an "i love you" to Paris & a "thank you" to COVID-19

This past week marked the second week of deconfinement here in France and I spent a good chunk of ig wandering the streets of Paris. City roaming - picking a neighborhood or general direction and just going - is something I have loved for as long as I can remember, and I was delighted to discover just before moving to Paris that the activity actually has a name: flaneuring. A "flaneur" - or "flaneuse," if a woman - is someone who, out of joy and not utility, uses their two feet to get from point A to B whenever possible. It is an activity they actively and consistently engage in to such an extent that it comes to define who they are at their very core. (As an interesting note, there are many famous (self-defined and otherwise) flaneurs and flaneuses throughout history who called Paris their home, which I think is super cool).

In "normal times," my long, wandering, winding walks almost always include both a defined destination and a cap on how long I'll be or am able to be out, both of which are usually determined by work or other to-do's for that day. In the absence of work and existing in a time that is anything but normal, I decided to let my walks this past week be anything but designed, structured, mapped out, destination-oriented, timed, anything that limited or defined any aspect around which I might normally plan a walk. I literally just left my building and walked, putting one foot in front of the other, taking turns when I decided I wanted to and making my way home when I got tired. Another common defining factor of my walks in "normal times" is what new music I still need to get through - i.e., where I can head to to get in two hour-long album listens.

While some of this past week's walks involved me listening to a certain album or playlist, most were spent with my ears headphone-free. I often felt the urge to be a part of the city and my surroundings as fully and completely as possible. I wanted to hear bits of passing conversations; the music of street musicians occasionally encountered at various intersections; church bells signaling the passing of another 15 minutes; to experience the hum - the energy - of the city in a way that can't be done when your ears are plugged.

Now, let me be clear, I didn't set out on a mission of "undefined wandering" with the idea of it being an experiment that I would analyze and dissect at the end; it was just something I thought would be fun to do because this is the time when I can do things just for the sake or fun of doing them. But I am sitting here now, in my apartment, gazing out of my living room window at a sky that is still bright even though it is almost 9PM, thinking about my walks this past week and my heart and soul are lighting up; they are so abundant with happiness that I am smiling in a way that will make my cheeks hurt if I keep it up for too long. And this is all because I realize that I connected with this city this past week more profoundly, more intensely than I have yet over the course of these past 8 months that I have called this city my home. I realize that I appreciate it for so, so many things, many of which I can't enjoy at this moment but that I will be oh-so-overjoyed to be able to delight in again when I can. As I noted in my last post, I don't know the "when" of this, I just know with absolute certainty that it will be. That it is waiting for me and for you and for everyone we know. There is life beyond COVID, and god damn, will it be good.

I've also realized - felt with every fiber of my being - that I am absolutely, positively so happy to be here in Paris; that it is without a doubt where I am supposed to be, and that I am so happy I took a chance on myself to find this out. You might say that I am still new to the city and thus still in my "honeymoon phase" but, having endured a near-three-month long transit strike, a stress fracture in my foot, and now, COVID in the span of about 30 weeks, I am well out of that phase. I miss my family and my friends back home so much it truly hurts at times, but yet I somehow also feel more connected to them than ever. Our virtual hangs have such a real sincerity about them; our conversations fo deeper & have more substance to them. As for my friendships and connections here in Paris, I feel that most have grown and developed so much during these past few months, and in ways that they might not have otherwise. In short, yes, life feels weird AF right now, but yet, so complete and fulfilling at the same time, As someone who, in the past, has struggled greatly with feeling grounded and secure and just content with life - especially during times of uncertainty - I am so eternally grateful for all of this and in a very strange way, I want to say thank you to COVID for the unexpectedly positive impact that it has had on my life.

For any of my readers who are still finding themselves struggling to stay grounded and keep a positive spirit and mindset, my advice to you is to let go of whatever thoughts or notions you have of what you feel you should be doing or feeling during this time. To just be and trust that you need not do anything more - that any uncertainty or unease you may feel right now will pass, and that you'll emerge where you're supposed to be and more in tune with yourself than before.